Wise Words from Sharon

Again, I think the trigger to depressive times is ALWAYS some kind of loss and you can't do anything about that. Jon has to deal with that. He has to do it himself. We have to do it ourselves. It is just another middle you have to go through to get to the next step and then there will ALWAYS be another one waiting. It has to be that way--it's that way on purpose so you progress--and it's taken me YEARS to learn this (I used to think (be SURE) that god was very cruel and spent all his time devising the very hardest possible things he could think of to put us through because they seemed to be so exactly the most cruelest possible thing for me or that particular person to go through) but it is set up this way to give us exactly what we need to make us the strongest--that, REALLY, he is very kind in his exactness and doesn't give us things that are impossible and would kill us, but he comes pretty close and sometimes I still think he makes it too hard but I am starting to see how gentle he is in doing so.

So, that was a long way of saying that things are supposed to be hard and once you get one step figured out, there will ALWAYS be another one thrown at you and then another and another and another but, just KNOWING that, to know that it is normal, that it happens "oh, yeah, it's supposed to be that way", instead of feeling bad or looking for somebody to blame, you ask yourself, "What is it that I'm supposed to be learning here?" and just knowing that, once you get what the lesson is, it's suddenly gone, it almost resolves itself and you're past it somehow and then you can go on to the next one.

So, we should teach our kids that 1) this is normal. It's supposed to be this way. There will always be things that are hard and that 2) once you learn the lesson, and sometimes it takes a long long time, you can get past it, that it dissolves almost, and then 3) there will ALWAYS be another one. Once you know this, then somehow it doesn't seem so big anymore. It changes from everyone being against me to everybody and everything teaching me and helping me be who I am--who I really am already. So, instead of blaming and being miserable because you aren't good enough, you start to think, everybody I meet and everything I get to do is teaching me something and you begin to start the day with your eyes wide open instead of crawling into bed to hide--you start to feel safe instead of in danger.

So, this is what I believe you can do and maybe you're the only one who can.

These periods of loss are often crossroads where you question everything about yourself and everything else as well. It is a time of reevaluation, where you realign your inside with your outside so that it matches a little closer than it did before. So you start questioning everything about yourself, and, for awhile at least, until things settle down again, you often end up doubting yourself and, especialy with someone who deals with things so intensely and internally as maybe me and Jon, you sometimes can confuse yourself and end up forgetting, for awhile, who you really are--and what you can do--how wonderful you really are.

So this is where parents come in--where YOU come in--and, even though they SAY they don't believe you--why I think maybe you are vital here because you KNOW who he IS. You looked into his face when he was a baby and you've seen him grow up and struggle in good times and bad times and you know WHO he is and maybe the single most important thing you can do right now--and what I believe they always come or call home for is---just the reassurance that he IS okay--that he IS wonderful--that he CAN do this, that he can do ANYTHING.

There is a reason that sometimes it takes so LONG to get through the middle and why sometimes we are so MISERABLE in the middle and why sometimes people don't EVER even get out of the middle.

Picture yourself in a boat in a river with a strong current. It is cold and you are fully dressed, heavy coat, heavy socks, heavy boots, maybe even a heavy blanket wrapped around you. Then the boat tips over and you go out into the river. You can't kick because the blanket is wrapped so tightly around you and your clothes are making you heavy, so heavy, and the current is whipping you around so you can't see at all. You really are a very good swimmer and usually would have no problem but the water is so cold and you have so many things weighing you down.

So what do you do? You have to get rid of the blanket and the clothes. Even though you are freezing, they are killing you and you have to get rid of them or else you will drown. Even though you can swim, if you don't get rid of them, you will drown.

When you are in the middle and you are miserable, there is ALWAYS something you have to let go of. And the more you cling and hold onto it, the deeper you will go and if you never let go, you will drown. Sometimes we are so afraid of letting go of it that we will try to swim anyway, upstream, fighting the water, frantically screaming and waving, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M DROWNING?!

Now picture yourself in the water, still in the blanket and heavy clothes. You rip off the blanket. You take off the heavy coat. The boots are gone. The socks are gone. The clothes come off. You are getting lighter and lighter and can move again.

Now change the picture again. You don't swim against the current but just relax and float on the current and let it take you exactly where it wants to go. The scene on the bank keeps changing--sometimes you get closer--sometimes farther away--but you are relaxed and calm and know you are ok.

I think we have to try to get to the point where we are willing to float in the water, completely naked, completely VULNERABLE, completely open to what comes next, never attached to what's on the shore but realizing that the scene will always be changing, that there will always be something new, completely relaxed, completely trusting that the river is taking us exactly where we need to be