Early April

It's been a hell of a time, being so full of hatred. Don's good. I'm not ill. Just mentally. I don't hate people very often, just Dick Cheney occasionally. Then I pray for him and forget it.

This is a sick hatred and nearly gone now. It has made me hurt and feel ill when I'm not. It has made me obsess and leave the meal site "ladies who lunch," early because I feel too ill at ease and sick to my stomach to eat the food they are preparing to celebrate something or other.

I love my husband and my family. I love this place and am grateful for the river-sound and sunshine and the beginning green of spring and so much else.

Blessings, name 12 quickly besides the ones I've mentioned; sweet air, good bed, health, sight, smell, friends, books, food, clothing, bath tubs and showers, water, radio, music, opera, rakes, shovels, coats, gloves, green tea. I could write pages of course, bird song and birds, deer, turkeys, honey and so on.

So being full of hate is a push against all blessings. It is better. I've prayed and prayed. After I read my "Courage to Change: I turned my hatred over to God because I cannot manage it.

I could maybe describe the hating; it wouldn't do any good. It is all pervasive and drips out my pores. It takes me over and feels like a scream inside.

It is real and I accept it and know that it will pass probably.


So accept it.
Pray for God to take it on for me
Drink lots of water
Take a tranquilizer (better than contemplating suicide because I cannot live with hate.)

So there I am.
I washed my hair.
I walked the dog.
I washed and washed in the house.
I'll survive and I do feel compassion, no wrong; I don't feel compassion for that I hate. So I pray for God's compassion.